Rachel (inugrlrayn) wrote,

If I Should Die Chapter 23

Title: If I Should Die Chapter 23
Fandom: FMA
Pairing: Roy/Ed
Author: inugrlrayn
Rating: Hard R
Summary: I wrote this for a prompt over at the kinkmeme. The request was "Roy ends up maimed in some way, maybe from being captured/tortured; Ed is the one who finds/rescues/takes care of him" It was meant to be a oneshot, but it ran away with me, obviously. A huge thank you to elfen and cryogenia for for all the read overs and plot debates that got me through this.
Author's Note: Sorry for the wait. Real life ate me. This is the last chapter, and technically the story is complete. There may, however, be a one shot sometime in the future because this chapter is a great deal different from what I initially intended.
Disclaimer: I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist or any of its characters.

Previous parts

The rest of my fics are here.

The seat beside Roy was empty as Havoc drove him home. Then again, since Ed’s contract had expired, it was always empty. Though he had an affinity for bringing his projects home with him, Ed nearly always beat Roy home from work these days.

The house smelled of chicken and garlic as Roy made his way inside and to the kitchen. No matter how many times Ed gave him the “cooking is practically alchemy so shut up or I won’t feed you anymore,” speech, Roy was hard pressed not to tease as he watched Ed stirring a pot on the stove. He managed to hold his tongue for once, only standing behind Ed and wrapping his arms around the younger man’s waist.

“Quit being distracting, you idiot. Can’t you see I’m cooking?” It was probably odd to find comfort in Ed’s insults, but Roy smiled anyway. Six months since his assessment and something of their old dynamic was finally slipping back into place.

“How was work?” Per usual, that was more than enough to quell any ire Ed had over being disrupted. Roy listened as Ed went on about his current project, and pretended not to notice Ed had already told him about this half a dozen times. It was worth listening again just to see Ed smile like he’d forgotten all his demons. With any luck, Ed would never have to take another life, and Roy was willing to tolerate the endless updates, and folders and papers strewn across their kitchen table if it kept things that way.

He supposed that it being “their” kitchen table, he really couldn’t complain too terribly much. A month after the assessment, they had finally come to the mutual conclusion that Ed was probably not going anywhere, and he’d moved in. “Moving in” mostly only amounted to gathering up the few things from the apartment he’d shared with Al that hadn’t already wormed their way into the house.

“What? You’re staring.” But Ed didn’t seem too concerned about getting an answer because he only shook his head, smiling like he’d always been comfortable with this particular incarnation of the two of them, and went back to cooking.

Dinner was pleasant and easy, but it generally was these days. Afterwards, Ed sat at the kitchen table and scribbled notes because the office was “stuffy”. And of course it had nothing to do with the fact that Roy was also in the kitchen, doing the dishes. It felt as if they’d been doing this for years. For a moment, Roy was almost glad for everything that had happed, if this was what he had to show for it.

The evening was quiet. Roy finished putting away the dishes, and slid into the chair beside Edward. He watched Ed doodle arrays, and they debated theory until even Ed looked as if he couldn’t keep his eyes open another minute.

Eventually, they made their way upstairs. Nights like these, only Ed’s insistence that he was going to push Roy off the bed if he dared kept him from falling into it, uniform and all. Roy draped the jacket over the back of the chair in the corner, turning away from Ed the way he always did before plucking at the top button of his shirt.

For all his drive to make Roy get over everything else, Ed had always been peculiarly indulgent where his appearance was concerned . Perhaps he sympathized with how difficult it was for Roy to even look at himself, let alone allow Ed to see. And so it was always this way; if Ed was bothered by everything Roy still hid away, he refused to say a word.

Just as Roy reached for the next button down, Ed’s fingers wrapped around his shoulder and turned him around. There was no explanation, just lips against his and mismatched arms coiled lightly around his waist. Roy closed his eye as Ed relaxed against him, his damaged body the furthest thing from his mind.

One kiss became two and three and then Roy’s fingers were buried in the soft fall of Ed’s hair. For all that it got easier every time, things rarely progressed beyond a few heated kisses. He had no idea how Ed was so blessedly patient about it all, except maybe that he just honestly didn’t know.

But Ed was warm and pliant in his arms, soft lips parting as Roy’s tongue skimmed across them. Flesh and metal fingers clutched at Roy’s shirt, leaving him helpless but to continue. Roy devoured Ed’s mouth and the sounds he got for his trouble, a needy whimper as Ed melted against him, were more than enough to tip the scales between fear and want.

Slowly, Roy backed toward the bed, bringing Ed along with him. He sat heavily on the edge of the mattress, and he might have smiled at the way Ed settled in his lap without a hint of hesitation if he’d had the time. As it was, he was far more interested in the urgent press and slide of lips and tongue against his.

Ed’s mouth strayed, peppering kisses along his jaw. Teeth sank slightly into tender flesh at the junction of Roy’s throat and his breath caught, stuttering in and out. It had been far too long, and for once that was enough to drown out the way something inside him still faltered in the face of this kind of vulnerability. For the moment, all he could think about was how much better it would feel to be tracing Ed’s spine without fabric in the way.

It was one thing left to reclaim, starting all over in its own way. More than a year and never a man, and Ed had never even done this, Roy’s thoughts rambled and sputtered out as Ed sucked curiously at his pulse. So maybe it could be a beginning for the both of them.

Some part of him still begged to stop, to pry Ed’s mouth off his neck and reclaim control, but he ignored it. He let himself be drunk on Ed’s teeth scraping at his throat. He was distantly aware of the way his hands tugged at Ed’s shirt as a pleasured moan bubbled from his lips.

“Fuck, I’m sorry. I… I didn’t mean…” Ed looked utterly mortified at himself, as if he’d done something awful. It took Roy’s lust addled head a moment to catch up enough to sort out why.

“Don’t stop. It’s okay,” Roy finally managed, his voice thick and husky with want as he drew Ed’s chin towards his for another kiss.

Ed pulled back, but only barely, his resolve wavering. “Are you sure? I don’t want this to be…”

“I’m okay… Right now I’m okay. Please stop talking.” Roy muffled whatever Ed meant to reply with another kiss.

He wasn’t sure how long they stayed like that, because there was very little Roy thought qualified as better than kissing Ed. Unfettered by guilt, Ed was a force of nature, and Roy didn’t even have a moment to wonder why he’d ever expected anything else.

It was only when Ed found the hem of his shirt that Roy faltered. He could let Ed kiss him, but his demons still lingered. Maybe it was the need to still like he still had a handle on things, but it wasn’t only that. Ed’s pulling at his shirt reminded him of what lay beneath it. He could scarcely bear to look at himself. How could he let Ed see?

Maybe if he just turned out the light. Roy reached for the bedside lamp, but automail fingers curled tenderly around his wrist. “Roy… It’s nothing I haven’t seen before.”

Roy’s stomach lurched, his traitorous mind reminding him it had been different then. He was about to say as much, but Ed only cast him a doubtful look. His lap was empty before he could explain and Roy cursed internally for not being able to just be better already.

But Ed didn’t leave the way Roy expected. He stood still, his breath coming in a shallow, nervous rhythm. He fidgeted with his hands a moment before steeling his jaw and peeling away the fabric of his shirt.

Roy watched Ed fight the desire to hide his automail, only then realizing what Ed was trying to do for him. He wasn’t alone. He wasn’t the only one who didn’t like everything they saw in the mirror. Yet, when he reached out, brushing the pads of his fingers along the edge of the automail port, Ed didn’t pull away.

It wasn’t the first time he’d seen Ed without a shirt, but it was the first time he’d reached out with anything like intent. It all felt brand new, and it was all he could do not to be completely distracted by the way Ed shivered under his fingers. Roy traced scars and metal and smooth skin alike, memorizing every inch of the figure in front of him as if he might never get another opportunity.

Roy was too caught up to pay much attention when Ed reached out to him until human fingers hesitantly brushed across the band that held his eye patch in place. Ed waited, still giving Roy the chance to say no, even after all he’d exposed of his own insecurities. No matter how much it twisted Roy’s stomach in knots, there was no answer left but to nod his head.

Ed was so very careful as he eased the band free, cautious so as not to snag Roy’s hair in his automail. When he did things like this, like curling around Roy in bed, lulling him to sleep with gentle touches and whispered words, it was hard for Roy to reconcile the person Ed was with the young man he’d known for years. Indelicacy and prickliness were shed or buried well when he got it in his head that gentleness was what was needed. Roy was sort of… glad that it was only here, hidden away from the rest of the world like some well kept secret he doubted anyone else but Al even knew Ed was capable of.

Roy flinched as the eye patch fell away. He wasn’t sure what he expected, but Ed was entirely unperturbed, only smiling like Roy had just given him something amazing. He cocked his head to the side, reaching human fingers to trace Roy’s cheekbone. His lips followed, pressing unabashedly against the ruined place where Roy’s eye had once been. Roy swallowed thickly, shutting the other one as some part of him threatened to sob in overwhelming relief.

Roy sucked in a sharp breath as Ed hesitantly skimmed the front of his shirt. He pulled back, searching Roy’s face for any hint of wanting to stop. Mismatched fingers lay slack against Roy’s chest. It hardly seemed fair that Ed was devoting so much to putting Roy at ease when he was so very new to this, but it was unavoidable. Unable to offer anything else, Roy curled his fingers around Ed’s, drawing them back to the buttons of his shirt.

“Roy, are you…” Ed shook his head, biting his tongue on the question. His human fingers traced the divot of Roy’s throat, painstakingly pulling the buttons free one at a time. His expression was reverent and warm as he pushed the fabric aside, letting it settle still caught on Roy’s shoulders. It clawed at something in Roy’s chest when after everything else, Ed still stopped there, chewing his lip and asking if this was okay. He couldn’t seem to find his voice, but Roy pulled Ed a step closer, hoping that could be enough.

Only Ed’s lips found his and steel fingers cupped his damaged jaw did Roy manage to find anything like peace with this. He lifted his arms, faltering once before wrapping them around Ed to pull him closer. Ed seemed all too happy to indulge him, squirming closer until there was nowhere left to go. It was just skin and metal and with his deadened nerves, Roy could hardly feel the press of Ed’s body against his in most places. He choked on a low whimper as Ed’s fingers lazily traced his shoulder blades and the knobs of his spine beneath the limp fabric of his shirt. His heart threatened to hammer right through his chest, though Ed only stood between his knees at the edge of the bed, offering nothing more than innocent affection.

Roy wasn’t sure what he could stomach, and he refused to let anything with Ed be tainted by his own hang-ups, even if it meant taking things painfully slowly. Still, they’d come this far and it seemed cruel to call it a night now. Though something inside him shivered violently, Roy kissed Ed again, urging him up onto the bed.

Ed pulled away with a fond smile, joining Roy on the bed. When he lay down, Roy followed, sinking against the covers, against Ed. It was easy, normal even, so long as he didn’t think about his open shirt and unshielded scars.

Holding Ed in bed to kissing Ed here was not such a great stretch. Ed’s hands curiously explored his body and Roy sighed against him, drinking in careful, tender touches he could never bring himself to allow. He only distantly noted the way Ed avoided his scars, doing everything possible to keep from spooking Roy or driving him off.

Roy’s lips strayed from Ed’s mouth to his jaw, tracing its edge with peppered kisses. Ed sucked in a sharp breath, receptive even to this small thing, his head tipping to offer up his throat in blissful sacrifice. Roy kissed the column of his neck, Ed’s pulse hammering beneath his lips.

Kisses trailed down the expanse of Ed’s throat to lost, pleading sounds. Something of Ed’s infinite patience about this one thing seemed to finally cracked. Mismatched fingers scrabbled at Roy’s back as his tongue met the edge of Ed’s automail port.

Even now, desperate and gasping uselessly for breath, Ed still dredged up control from somewhere. One bleary, golden eye flicked open, narrowing in an attempt at focus. Roy was okay, he was alright when he was in control, but it didn’t stop Ed’s halting, panted out words, “We don’t… if you… if you don’t want to do this…”

As if Roy could tell him now. He silenced Ed with a soft, lingering kiss. His fingers traced the taut, scarred edges of Ed’s port and he smiled at the low whimper that bled against his lips in its wake.

Pliant skin gave under Roy’s fingers as they drifted downward, tracing the contours of Ed’s body. Ed’s stomach muscles twitched at the unfamiliar touch and he stared at Roy in something like awe. Roy watched Ed pull his bottom lip between his teeth in nervousness or blatant need when pale fingers finally met the waistband of his pants.

It had been a long time since Roy had felt quite so woefully inadequate for this. It wasn’t that he was at all bothered by the rather glaring differences between Ed and… every woman he’d ever taken to bed. It was just unfamiliar and for all they’d been through, Ed deserved perfect.

Discarding the nervousness inherent in this, Roy slid his other hand along Ed’s side to join the first. Eyes like embers followed Roy’s every movement with rapt attention as Ed obviously struggled to keep still. Roy faltered only once, his fingers lingering at the button on Ed’s pants. He swallowed thickly, his voice hardly more than a hushed murmur as he asked, “May I?”

Ed nodded as if the circumstances left him entirely bereft of words. He held absolutely still, hardly even breathing as Roy’s unfastened his pants, slowly drawing down the zipper. Ed lifted his hips in invitation and Roy tugged pants and boxers down over Ed’s hips before he could talk himself out of it. He didn’t dare look up until he’d dragged the last of Ed’s clothes entirely off and they fell from his fingers to the floor.

Roy always thought of Ed as something beautiful. Like this though, he was utterly breathtaking. Roy reached out, reverently sliding his fingers along places he’d never touched, the tops of Ed’s thighs, the hollows of his hips.

It wasn’t that he didn’t know what he was doing, just that it seemed entirely different doing it to someone else. Roy carefully memorized the dip of Ed’s hips, the way he quivered at every touch like a bow string drawn taut. When Roy finally drew his fingers along the length of Ed’s cock, he let out a stuttered gasp, eyes widening in revelation.

Ed watched with wide eyes and parted lips, like he was having trouble believing any of this was more than a product of an overactive imagination. His apparent disbelief didn’t last. He whined appreciatively as Roy’s fingers curled around him, hair splaying across the pillows as he let his head fall back against it.

It was hard for Roy to pay much mind to the demons that haunted him. They were easy to ignore when Ed was sprawled out like this beneath him, beautiful and gratefully receptive to his every touch. It was the closest thing to normal he’d ever been able to offer Ed, and Roy resolutely refused to think about how far he may or may not be able to handle.

Roy moved his hand teasingly along Ed’s length, reveling in the low, needy sounds he drew from the younger man’s throat. He fell into a slow, steady rhythm, entranced by the way Ed’s body arched to meet him, as if nothing was quite enough. Ed’s eyes screwed shut, blindly trusting as he breathed harshly through bared teeth.

It wasn’t nearly enough, but even lost in the moment, Roy knew he couldn’t cobble his broken parts back together enough to give any more. Still, he ached to be closer at least. Careful not to stop, he stretched out beside Edward, near enough to press kisses along his throat.

The contact seemed to be exactly what Ed wanted. He immediately tried to roll towards Roy. Thankfully, he was too far gone to notice the way Roy flinched as he nuzzled against a ruined cheek, clinging to him despite the scars. Roy squeezed his eye shut and let it go. Ed had seen and undeniably wanted him anyway. Roy wanted to touch and hold more than he wanted to hide.

He was so lost in the relief of being able to do this much, Roy nearly missed the way Ed shuddered against him with clutching fingers and whimpered curses. The way Ed bit his lip did nothing to muffle the almost pained sounds he made. Roy tipped his head to suck at the junction of Ed’s jaw and throat and that was it.

Ed’s eyes flew open, his fingers clawing at Roy’s shirt. He came hard against his belly and Roy’s, curling harshly in on himself until his face was pressed into Roy’s shoulder. Roy’s name was lost somewhere in the low, sobbing moan Ed let out.

Roy held Ed against him, smoothing a hand over his tangled hair. Ed sagged against him, sated and lost in the pleasant fatigue that followed. It was a long moment before he seemed to remember himself. His fingers hesitantly stroked along Roy’s hip, over his pants as he murmured against Roy’s shoulder. “What about you?”

It was one thing to be in control, and quite another to give that up. As much as his body complained, begging for something, his mind couldn’t cope strung out the way he was. Roy refused to ruin this, so he only smiled, kissing Ed’s temple. “I’m fine.”

“You sure?” Ed asked, but he didn’t push when Roy nodded. He looked hurt or disappointed perhaps, but the expression smoothed out quickly into a sleepy smile. Roy couldn’t help but return it.

Roy thought about grabbing a washcloth to clean them up, but he couldn’t really fathom voluntarily letting Ed go. Instead he only shifted Ed’s limp body more fully into his arms, dragging the blankets over them both. Ed’s breathing slowed to something calm and steady. Roy was almost certain he’d dozed off completely when Ed shifted his head just enough to whisper in Roy’s ear, slurred with sleep, “I love you.”

And that was the heart of it, wasn’t it? Things weren’t perfect. There was still this insurmountable… thing. There were still nights he woke to Ed shuddering violently in his arms, his cheeks wet, even in sleep. There were still days where his uniform felt like a lie, and it was all he could do to get out of bed. They stood by each other anyway, and they were making this work, even if it was only one step at a time.

“I love you too, Ed.” He liked to pretend that someday they’d be a normal couple. Maybe they’d never really be mended, but it was a nice wish. In the meantime, Ed was peacefully curled up in his arms, and that was worth smiling about. Whatever they faced, they faced together, and that night Roy slept peacefully with Ed’s head resting over his heart.

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  • Take Two

    Title: Take Two Author: 
 inugrlrayn Word Count: 3,712 Rating: NC-17 Characters: Ten/Simm!Master Summary: Sequel to Take One.…

  • Take One

    Title: Take One Pairings: Ten/Simm!Master Chapter Rating: PG-13ish Word Count: 2104 Disclaimer: I don't own them and I'm not making any money.…

  • BRB stuck on Doctor Who

    So, I used to flit from fandom to fandom every few months. Then FMA happened, and I've been here for five years, give or take. Not that I didn't…