This was the last time. This was the last time he was going to go through the motions; pretend he was doing what was best for Ed. He wasn’t an idiot. He knew this was hurting them both. The blonde might have loved him once, had nearly said as much, but Ed was young and Roy hadn’t believed him. Somehow it had fallen into this, what should have been a painless, pleasurable routine for them both. There were no tender words, whispers of more then the here and now. This was not something to desecrate their homes with and so it was always the same, a nondescript hotel room, and it would be over and Ed would be gone before Roy awoke. He never stayed, not after the things Roy had said.
This wasn’t good for either of them. It was a lie that neither would admit, neither would call the other’s bluff on, but somewhere, something had to give and it needed to be over. This would be the last time, Roy swore, but for now, Ed’s lips were smothering his resolve and Ed’s fingers were pushing, guiding him back towards the bed. An automail foot kicked the door closed and those fingers leapt to his shirt, unbuttoning them as deftly as Roy himself could have. There was no pretense here, and Ed didn’t wait for him to fall into his touches before he was devouring Roy whole. His skin was on fire and Ed’s fingers were everywhere and the younger man’s teeth nibbled at his neck. Too much, and Roy was losing himself in the way Ed’s tongue felt along the edge of his ear and the way Ed’s fingers felt, skimming delicately over his skin.
Some part of him wanted to beg Edward to stop, to give him something more or nothing at all. When it was all over, he’d lay on the bed in this nondescript hotel room, wondering why he let Ed barge in like this and then just walk away. Ed never stayed. He’d told Roy many times that it was just sex and nothing more. Sometimes he could accept that, but there were nights the older man wanted nothing more than to hold Ed in his arms, tell him the truth, and lay himself bare in a way that actually meant something. The part of him that knew Ed was broken, wanted more than to enable his ills, wanted to make the world better for him, was stifled by the way the fingers on both of Ed’s hands pressed against his hips, holding them flush against each other, and for just a second, Roy could have sworn it was more than just sex this time. He opened his eyes and the golden orbs that met them were warm, and Ed’s head was cocked just so, a faint smile brushed over his lips.
The moment was over quickly, and Roy was being nudged back onto the mattress, immediately followed by Ed, who’d somehow managed to lose his shirt along the way. Roy couldn’t stop himself from wrapping his arms around the smaller figure. Ed froze, unbound hair spilling down his neck to tickle Roy’s face, but he didn’t let go. He rubbed his hand between Ed’s shoulder blades, fingering the edge of his automail port, and bracing himself. This was the last time.
Ed said nothing, but his eyes were bright and suspicious. He waited for an explanation of Roy’s affectionate actions, and when none were forthcoming, he gave the whole situation a mental shrug, leaning his head down, hair tickling Roy’s face as his lips graced the older man’s jaw.
Ed wanted to cry. He wanted this, needed this. It was the only thing he could have, but every time it hurt a little more. His body burned and his heart was shattering under the pressure of pretending. Still, he pretended as he slithered lithely down Roy’s torso that he wasn’t kissing someone he loved. It was just sex after all. Roy had made it excruciatingly clear that he couldn’t offer anything beyond his body to Ed, and in his desperation for something, anything at all, he accepted it.
And so, he pretended there was nothing beyond lust in the way he was yanking off the remainder of Roy’s clothes, devouring the man’s body with his eyes. He wasn’t hurting at the guarded look on his companion’s face. He forced himself to believe he didn’t want this to mean anything, but he was at a breaking point. This would be the last time.
Roy didn’t seem to notice Ed’s conflict as he sucked the other man’s length into his mouth. Ed reveled in the soft murmurs that spilled from the other man’s lips, closing his eyes and pretending, just this once, that it was more than just physical pleasure eliciting the warmth and softness in Roy’s voice.
Lips and tongue and teeth were hot against him and how did Ed get to be so sinfully beautiful anyway? He wanted to keep his eyes open, because Ed really was magnificent, but the way he worked his mouth seemed to suck the life out of him. Roy let his head fall back on the pillow and everything was too much and not nearly enough.
He might have been done right there, but Ed’s mouth was gone from his cock, lips lingering over his hips and stomach briefly before he was kissing Roy again with velvet lips and molten eyes full of fear. What was he afraid of? Wasn’t he getting what he wanted?
Roy’s hands were buried in his hair, and Ed allowed himself to revel in the warmth of the man’s body under him, and the way he felt like he could drown if Roy didn’t stop kissing him like that, and he almost felt selfish for wanting more than just this right here and now, because this was good. He allowed himself to enjoy it until Roy was turning his head away because this was the last time.
Roy couldn’t wait anymore. Ed worried a sensitive spot on his neck with his teeth and it was like something snapped. He rolled over on top of his companion, pausing just long enough to slick his cock with lube, before he was fucking Edward senseless. He reveled in the way the younger man’s hands slid down his spine before settling on his hips, Roy’s name caught on his lips.
Roy was panting, warm breath washing over Ed’s human shoulder. He grasped uselessly at the older man, desperate for him to move faster or harder or something. He thought he would die on the edge of ecstasy, but then Roy was stroking his length rather frantically and Ed couldn’t stop himself from arching up into the man’s hand, blanking out to the world other than the way this felt, and the way Roy was shuddering over him, pleasured whimpers spilling from his lips.
Roy collapsed bonelessly on top of Ed, and the younger man struggled with the urge to just hold him. He stopped though because if he had any hope of reasoning with the other man, he couldn’t go jumping the gun.
Something about that thought made him angry. He’s never possessed much in the way of patience, but this was ridiculous. How had the cards fallen that it was okay to let someone he cared for fuck him, but he felt guilty expressing any sort of innocent affection? This was not okay, and he didn’t know how he’d ever thought it would be. In an irritated huff, he stalked wordlessly off to the shower, not even sparing a second glance at Roy. If he did, he’d just get more angry and then he wouldn’t be able to cool down enough to say what needed to be said.
Roy frowned, watching Ed’s back as he walked away. This was how it went. This was always how it went. Roy would stay, some part of him hoping Ed might stick around long enough to have a conversation. There’d not even been so much as a hello between them this time. Ed would inevitably shower, dress, and go home. He still hoped. Perhaps he should stop him this time. After all, this would be the last time.
Ed stayed under the water, just standing, trying to wash away the stains on his soul. This hurt, and he wanted to sit on the floor of the shower and cry, but he refused to shed a tear over the man in the other room. He’d done this too, and he couldn’t blame it all on Roy anyway. So there he stood, grasping for something to say, something he could do that would make this all better. Finally, he took a deep breath, shut off the water, and stepped out into the bedroom.
Roy listened to the sound of the shower, trying to decide the best course of action. He could bring this up tonight, make an end of it right here. After what they’d just done though, it seemed a vaguely unkind way to go about it. Perhaps instead he should just feign sleep, let Ed go and discuss the whole thing when they were at least not at the hotel
In the end, Ed made the choice for him. He seemed calmer now, and stepped over to the bed, looking down at Roy. He opened his mouth like he might say something, but shut it just as abruptly, turning away.
Ed listened to Roy breathe, buying himself time as he realized he still didn’t know what to say.
“You don’t think I actually believe you’re asleep do you?”
That was different. Ed never spoke to him after. Actually, he never even dawdled about throwing his clothes on and heading out the door. This alone was enough to make Roy open his eyes.
“I never said I was,” he responded carefully.
“If you don’t fall asleep while I’m in the shower, you always pretend you have. I think I’ve learned the difference by now,” this wasn’t what he needed to be saying. This wasn’t even important. Ed wanted to bang his head into a wall just to make the right thing come out.
In all the time it had taken him to bother trying to talk, this was what he had to say? Roy wished he’d said something important, something that was worth talking about, but all that was left was this, and Roy couldn’t delay any longer.
“This has to stop,” he finally blurted.
“This. Us. What are we even doing? It’s not good for either of us.”
“You’re the one who said no when I tried to give you anything else,” Ed spat angrily, “but you’re right. This has to end. It has to end right here.”
“I was wrong, Ed, and I’m sorry. I thought I was doing the best thing for you, but now…” Roy trailed off, unsure of how to finish the thought.
In the end, he didn’t have to. Ed was laughing, his human hand running over his face. It wasn’t a derisive or sarcastic laugh. Some sort of happiness seemed to coat his features, the corners of his eyes wrinkled with mirth. For a minute, Roy didn’t understand how Ed could possibly be happy about all this, but then he gently shoved Roy over to make room so that he could climb under the covers. Ed had stopped laughing, but he wrapped his arms around the older man, shaking his head and smiling against Roy’s shoulder.
With a soft sigh, he gazed warmly at Roy, pleased by the way his companions lips turned up at him. Perhaps this was the last time they would come here, the last time it would be just sex, but things were going to be okay.