Rachel (inugrlrayn) wrote,
Rachel
inugrlrayn

Gone

Title: Gone
Fandom: FMA
Pairing RoyxEd
Author: inugrlrayn
Rating: R... maybe NC-17 if you squint
Prompt: 100moods #22 Crushed
Disclaimer: I don't own FMA or the characters, though I apparently do happily borrow from time to time.



Gone, vanished in a puff of smoke, echoing in memory that seemed distant now. He couldn’t be sure, now, if he was even remembering correctly, if the specter that stalked the hallways of his heart had ever been real at all.

Blond hair dripping over his face like some sort of sunlit, satin rain, trickling across his jaw, his lips, his nose, as a tongue dragged wetly at his throat. Soft noises, and only now was he ever really, truly gentle, a barely audible moan through teeth that worried the junction of his ear and jaw and neck, and you’d have thought that Ed was the one being played over, breathless and needing.

A ghost of a smile, and Ed’s mouth was over his own. That tongue again, and it stroked at his lips, parted them the way Ed never should have been able to. There was pressure at the back of his teeth and the roof of his mouth and his breath was swallowed, leaving him drowning in Ed’s kisses. Human fingers combed smoothly, tenderly through his hair, and Roy really didn’t care who had taught Ed to do this, what person his lover had belonged to on the other side of the gate, because now
he was the glad recipient of an Edward full of confidence and affection and all that was good in the world.

The whole thing had been entirely an accident. It had taken him entirely unawares until the situation was intense and the only thing he could do was light a match to the explosives Ed had set between them and watch their very existence go up in flames and fireworks. It was beautiful and exhausting, and he was dying by inches and miles, unable to function without a golden piercing gaze, lips that twisted into a begrudging smile at him now and again.

”This is entirely unnecessary,” Ed grumbled, shifting his weight back against his hips, fingers resting along the waistband of his slacks.

“You are finally, officially out of the military you hate so much. Isn’t that cause for celebration?” Roy replied with a grin. “Besides, everyone’s here already. Just relax for once.”


Ed had relaxed, and Al had looked at Roy like he could hug him, because for once since Ed had come home, he didn’t have a golden shadow. Ed finally loosened up enough to allow himself just a little freedom, and with it had come an easy grace Roy would never have expected him to master. He laughed like the world wasn’t such an awful place, and he beat them all at cards (without even cheating) and he smiled like the first rays of sunlight caressing the world beneath it. Then he drank, and grace had tumbled into a sort of perpetually amused fumbling. Everything was funny, and he was free and didn’t seem to get that this wasn’t actually a congratulations on leaving the military sort of thing so much as Roy’s version of a welcome home. All the same, he’d wrapped his flesh arm around Roy’s back, tried for his shoulder, but was still a bit too short. He’d smiled, a drunken watery smile, eyes hazy and cheeks pink from the liquor.

”Thanks,” Ed said, squinting up at Roy (still up, even if just a little bit), because he couldn’t quite see straight.

“Thanks… for what?” Roy asked, genuinely confused.

“For everything, I guess. I mean, well… you looked out for us, both of us, even if you were an utter bastard, and, umm, uhh, you… didn’t give up on me. And this,” Ed said brokenly, waving his arm aimlessly in what Roy took to be a gesture to the party.

“You’re more than welcome, Ed.”

“God, I wish I didn’t want to kiss you so much,” Ed muttered and he almost didn’t catch it, but there were drunken citrine orbs narrowed in something approximating focus at him, and how was he meant to respond? A flat out no would be something dishonest. Anything else would be taking advantage.

“It’s good to have you back,” Roy replied warily. That was safe, right?


It had been good for however long it lasted. It had been downright glorious to know Ed was simply across town and not worlds away, to know he could call and inevitably get an irritable, colorful Edward Elric on the other end of the line.

The party was over, and everyone was gone. Roy set about cleaning up his living room, and there was Edward, sprawled out, dead asleep on his couch. He considered his options. Al was already on his way to Rizembool, having finally managed to talk his brother into giving him just a tiny bit of space now that life was mostly settled and boring, as boring as being an Elric could be anyway. Roy was home and tired and didn’t really feel like hauling Ed back to his own apartment. In the end, he settled for tossing a blanket over the sleeping figure sprawled across the couch cushions and made his way to bed.

Despite any wishful thinking on his own part, nothing had happened that night, and the only thought he’d allowed himself when he woke up to a disheveled young man sitting at his kitchen table, half asleep, was that it must be nice to not get hangovers after all that alcohol.

Ed smiled, rubbing the back of his head and neck rather sheepishly.

“Sorry for stealing your couch.”

“It’s fine. Not as if I was using it at the moment.”

“Yeah,” Ed responded, the word drawn out, and punctuated with teeth nibbling nervously at his lip. He opened his mouth like he wanted to say something, but his jaw slammed shut almost immediately, teeth clacking loudly together.

“Are you hungry?” It was the stupidest question in the world, like asking Hawkeye if she was good with a gun, or Havoc if he wanted a cigarette. Now, though, it was so much more than a question, a salve for the awkward silence that had crept in between them and made a nest in the empty spaces.


They made it through breakfast with barely a trace of awkwardness. If Ed found it strange to be eating breakfast in the kitchen of his former superior officer, in the company of said party, he didn’t mention it, babbling on about the project he was doing, and Roy had done part of the crossword wrong, and oh god Roy was a wonderful cook and why hadn’t anyone told him?

It might have gone on that way, playful and friendly and utterly innocent, but Roy grabbed Ed’s empty plate to take it to the sink, and accidently brushed Ed’s hand in the process. There was a soft gasp and then Ed was blushing, probably more from realization that he’d made a sound than the touch it self.

It could have been awkward, the moment could have passed, and they could have moved on, if only Ed had sat and let it be an awkward, passing moment. Ed was no good at waiting, however.

Soft lips, warm, and firm, and more sure than he would have expected, pressed over his, fingers slipping easily along his jaw. It was fleeting, over almost before it began, and eyes the color of apple juice, liquid and piercing, focused unwaveringly on his own, waiting for something. Roy stepped back against the counter, unsure of what exactly to say. It wasn’t a bad thing, per se. It was just surprising.

“Eh, just forget about that,” Ed said finally, turning away, cheeks pink in embarrassment.

“Why?”

“Did you seriously just ask me…” Ed’s words were muffled, swallowed in soft kisses, and Roy marveled at the way Ed, who never backed down an inch on anything in his life just
gave, lips parted to allow Roy’s tongue access, eyes at half mast.

Roy took full advantage. Ed tasted faintly of butter and syrup, and made a noise like his breath was caught in his throat, clutching at Roy’s shirt as if the world around them was ending. Ed arched into him, and the feel of taut muscle against his hips was something akin to overload.

Teeth sank wickedly into the flesh of his neck, fingers dragging up his spine beneath the fabric of his shirt, and he barely registered the tables turning, being spun about and pressed back against the sink, the edge of the counter digging viciously into his back and he couldn’t care less because the buttons of his shirt were being undone, one by one, bare flesh devoured beneath lips and tongue.


Even through the pain, it was hard not to laugh at the way they’d been, like a couple of teenagers. They hadn’t even tried to make it to the bedroom, and he didn’t think he’d ever look at his kitchen table the same way again.

The way Ed moved with him was utterly intoxicating. The metal that pressed at his hip on one side, steel and flesh toes curling against his thighs with each thrust, the keening sounds that burst from Ed’s lips in response to Roy’s movements, and if it was possible to lose yourself to someone, he was giving everything to Ed, consequences be damned.

“I think I love you,” Ed had whispered in the afterglow, immediately looking mortified by his own words. It was too soon and too sudden to be anything but true, and Roy said nothing, but his heart might have burst in his chest for pure joy, because no one deserved to be this insanely happy.


Some days he wondered if he should have said no, if he could have said no in the face of the hail storm that was Edward Elric. It didn’t matter how it ended, he supposed. He did not regret the moments they’d had where everything was right for a change.

He walked into the office, surprised to find his chair occupied… and spinning. Ed sat comfortably, one foot tucked beneath him at an angle, the other toeing the ground, pushing himself in circles. His head tilted back, ponytail drifted over the back of the chair and his eyes were closed, a pleased smile edging across his lips.

“Is there a particular reason you have usurped my chair?” Roy asked in amusement.

“It was more entertaining than the couch,” Ed replied with a shrug.

“I really
do have work to do, you know, so you really ought to give me my chair back.”

“And if I don’t?” Ed was grinning wickedly, head tilted forward, bangs shielding part of his eyes and he looked absolutely evil.

“Then I guess you can just do my paperwork for me,” Roy answered, and laughed because he’d never,
ever seen Ed move that fast.

“Did you need something?”

“No, not really,” Ed said softly.

“So what are you doing here? You’re not a dog of the military anymore, just in case you’ve forgotten.”

“I didn’t forget.” Ed moved closer, eyes gone soft. He leaned forward, down for once, as Roy was sitting, and pressed his lips to Roy’s in a chaste kiss.

“I just came to say good morning,” he murmured with a smile, and then he was gone, out the door and on with his day, and Roy wondered when Ed had gotten to be so sentimental.


If only it could have stayed that way, new and happy, nothing able to get between them. The shift had been subtle at first. Ed was a little more withdrawn, his smiles just a little more rare, and had quickly escalated.

”I never really expected this, you know?” Ed said, voice quiet and hardly reaching Roy’s ear. He smiled into his companion’s hair, pulling the younger man a little closer. He frowned at the way Ed tensed in his arms, then.

“Is something wrong?”

Ed took a deep, shuddering breath, “I really don’t think it’s going to work.”

Roy thought, hoped he was joking, but there was Ed, staring at him, looking miserable. His eyes shone with tears he wouldn’t allow to fall, and he bit his lip as if he really wanted to say something else.

“Why?” Roy asked. He could salvage this. There had to be some logical sort of reason, because he knew, he
knew Ed loved him. It was always there, the way he smiled, just for Roy, the way he dropped by, not for sex, just to be near, just to talk and laugh and be close.

“We… I…We just can’t do this. We fight all the time and what a way to spend the rest of our lives.”

They did fight, he’d give Ed that. It wasn’t really malicious fighting generally, though. It was normal and usually ended in laughter and kisses, and all manner of ridiculousness, so Roy was fairly certain that had nothing to do with it.

“You know that’s nothing to leave over.”

“Please don’t make this harder than it has to be,” Ed pleaded.

“It doesn’t
have to be at all,” Roy argued, reining in his temper.

“You don’t… I… I have to go,” Ed practically whimpered.

“Wait.” Roy grabbed at Ed’s sleeve as he pulled away, but Ed was stronger, shuffling out of his grasp.

“There’s nothing to wait for,” Ed finally shot back, once he was out of Roy’s reach.

“Why are you doing this, Ed?”

“You…” Ed choked on his own words for a moment before continuing.

“You deserve someone who loves you… and… I’m just not that person,” his lips turned down.

“You… I thought…” Roy fought for time, for something, anything to say to that.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, blinking back tears.

The front door shut softly, and then he was gone.


It had been five months, thirteen days, and eleven hours since Ed had left, not that anyone was counting. He’d tried for weeks to figure out what had happened to make Ed leave, but it seemed that he’d not only disappeared from Roy’s life, but from Central altogether. No one had seen him, and when he called Al, who’d decided to stay in Rizembool, it seemed the younger Elric brother had decided to pick now of all times to let Ed handle his own relationship issues and had only said it wasn’t his place to say anything.

It had been just a week before his name had been put down as a candidate for fuhrer, and in the time that followed, there was little time to think about a failed love, and so he’d pushed the matter aside, focusing on the path before him.

Now, though, now he’d won, and he stared out the window of an office far too big. He could see the park, not so far away, really.

”I’ll assume you’re aware the park is closed.”

“Where’s your sense of adventure? Besides, everyone else knows the park is closed, so it’s not likely anyone will see us,” Ed countered, fingers sliding around Roy’s back, coming to rest on his hip.

“What’s it matter if someone sees us?” Roy asked.

“Just… Eh, never mind,” Ed replied with a smile, leaning up to kiss him, beautiful and awash with moonlight.


He wished, thinking back, that he’d taken the time to find out whatever it was Ed wouldn’t say, because he was fairly certain that was the night it had begun. Ed was oddly tender, if a little wary and distant, as if memorizing every touch and kiss and word that was spoken.

Roy wondered why he could not accept the explanation Ed had given him. Ed did not love him, plain and simple, and now he had vanished, and that was that. Somehow, though, with Ed, things were never exactly simple.

With a defeated sigh, he made his way back to the desk, determined to accomplish at least something. There, on top of the paperwork was an envelope, his name scrawled on the front in familiar handwriting that made his heart tighten in his chest. Perhaps, now, he’d get the truth.

Roy’s hands shook a little as he pulled the paper from its envelope, unfolding it with care. His heart sank to look at a sheet full of scribbled out words, as if whatever he’d wanted to say had taken incredible effort and repeated revising. All that remained unscathed were two words.

I’m sorry.
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